Scuba Diving club,
Southern California
Sea Sabres
Warning: Do not put starfish in your mouth or microwave
THIS IS A SPECIAL time of year, as
expressed so poetically in the lyrics to the haunting song
"Summertime" from Porgy and Bess:
Summertime, and the livin'
is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And gettin' lodged in the
throats of fisherpersons
Those lyrics are as true
today as when they were first performed way back in a specific year that I plan
to look up later. Just this June, according to an Associated Press article sent
in by many alert readers, an angler who was angling near Macomb, Ill., had to
be rushed to the hospital when a four-inch bluegill became stuck in his
esophagus.
This incident raises some
troubling questions, including: How come nobody names children "Porgy"
anymore? Why is EVERY male child in the United States under the age of 7
currently named either Jacob or Matthew?
But the most urgent question
is: How did the bluegill get into the angler's esophagus? The Associated Press
story explains that the angler "was playing with a bluegill in his mouth
when it began squirming and lodged itself in his throat."
The angler recovered.
Unfortunately, the bluegill -- let us call him "Porgy" -- went to
that Big Scum Pond In The Sky. But little Porgy's tragic demise will not have
been in vain if it results in the long-overdue passage of a federal law
requiring the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to clearly stamp every fish with a
label that says, "WARNING! DO NOT PLAY WITH THIS FISH IN YOUR MOUTH!"
While we're at it, we need a
law requiring that all deceased starfish be clearly labeled: "DO NOT HEAT
IN MICROWAVE." I say this because of a homemaker-advice column called Ask
Mrs. Oliver from the June 4 Eugene, Ore., Register-Guard, sent in by many alert
readers, which includes the following homemaker letter, which I am not making
up:
"How do you remove an
awful smell out of your microwave? I found a dead starfish on the beach and
brought it home. It was very wet and I thought placing it in the microwave for
a few minutes would help. The starfish exploded on my second attempt to dry
it."
Both of these tragic
incidents remind us that, although summer is a fun time, we most always
remember that at any moment we could die or seriously damage an appliance.
That's why we need to remember our Summer Safety Basics, especially:
WHAT TO DO ABOUT LIGHTNING
The Encyclopedia Britannica
tell us that lightning is "giant pieces of electricity that live inside
clouds and periodically attack golfers." The best way to avoid being
struck is to stay away from areas where golfers might be present, such as sand
traps, bars, recreation rooms, your office and the outdoors.
If you, or somebody you
like, is struck by lightning, it is absolutely essential that you get hold of
the May 18 issue of Parade magazine, which was sent to me by alert reader M.A.
"Duke" Mills (a.k.a. "Porgy"). On page 5, there's a feature
on what to do in a lightning storm. Most of the tips are obvious -- get
indoors, don't play with fish in your mouth, etc.
But then, in a section on
what to do if somebody is struck by lightning, Parade offers this advice:
"If breathing stops, seek medical help at once."
Thanks, Parade! That tip
could very well save a life, as we can see from the following verbatim
transcript of a discussion between two fictional neighbors:
BOB: Fred? Sorry to bother
you ...
FRED: No bother, Bob! I was
just watching the Yankees game.
BOB: Man, talk about a
pitching staff.
FRED: I know, but I worry
about their middle relief. Anyway, what's up?
BOB: Well, Fred, I'm
concerned about Marge. She stopped breathing, and I'm wondering if I should do
anything.
FRED: Hmmm. Wait a minute!
Was Marge recently struck by lightning?
BOB: Why, yes, Fred, she
was, about 10 minutes ago. Come to think of it, that's when she stopped
breathing!
FRED: Let me check my Parade
Magazine. ...Yes, it says here that you should seek medical help at once.
BOB: Medical help? Say,
Fred, that's a great suggestion! I'll do it right after this inning.
An unrealistic scenario, you
say? True. In real life, Bob would have asked Fred about Bernie Williams' knee
injury. But this transcript does illustrate the importance of knowing your
Summer Safety Basics, so that instead of moping around the funeral home, you
can spend your days relaxing with a good summer book, such as the almanac,
which tells us that "Porgy and Bess" was first performed in 1935.
Dave Barry is a humor
columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald
Plaza, Miami, FL 33132.
Posted August 13, 2003